So I got it out, the anger. It has subsided to a dull ache that I can easily confuse for the herniated disk in my lower back or the giant cyst on my left ovary. All bearable in perspective. I have decided to go get my kids this weekend and I am so excited. I know within two weeks I will be complaining about the stress, but it's a better stress than this out-of-reach helpless kind of stress.
Today I moved the very first things of mine into the new house. Trent (the landlord with the suspiciously un-idahoan accent) is replacing the downstairs shower, a nice surprise. I really cannot wait to get moved. This weekend will begin the craziness, I am actually looking forward to it. Of course this weekend we have to fit moving in around the Elks championship game (which is totally worth bringing the kids home for) and the First Multi-Annual Snow Creek Crew Barbeque/ campout. it will be delightful, in an exhausting way.
The neighbors next door had a screaming, rage out fight last night at about 2:30 AM, which made me embarrassed that I have ever fought or raged out at any point. How silly and small of me. It is so sad and ugly. It made me ashamed of the anger that I have inside of me, and made me all the more determined to work it out. Interesting, as if to challenge my new resolution, when I got to work this morning and volunteered to take on a site monitoring job for my boss, I was harshly told that she wouldn't let me do it because I am not a "professional" archaeologist. Smackdown. It makes me wonder why I am getting paid to do archaeology work if she really thinks my lacking a little piece of paper makes me that incompetent. I am still reeling a little. Even though I have monitored and surveyed and done all of these things at least as much, if not more than the rest of my crew. But they have their pretty little diplomas in anthropology and I am garbage. But I have work, so I will set my will and eat my pride and do whatever mindless work she seems to think I can handle. Photocopies, etc. And I will not tell her off. Yet.
hey Warrior Woman
ReplyDeleteyou have so much fight in you - but man, it gets tiring being a survivor, eh?
You need an edititor to put all your writings together and get you published, there is such a strong voice in your writing and it's one that people would resonate with IMHO - and - I have a bud who is in year 2 of a new publishing house gig so...
I absolutely hear you re:comments from the relaives in their cheap seats (as in they have nothing on line - I'm sure you're familiar with the reference) but sugar, I have gotta say, your tolerance of their judgements and condemnations, while admirable and understandably the only way to go otherwise its all postal, must in itself be exhausting. When I have come up against this type of shit, which does not occur in my family but does oh so much in Curt's, as I watch my two 20-something neices with their 4 kids absolutely drowning in their lives right now, with the very idea of survival in question, I can not stand by and abide. And I am so thankful that you have people close to you, physically and otherwise, who do not abide on your behalf and simply give you the strength, encouragement, love, food, beer $$ and tickets to your soul-affirming TAB concerts to keep you and your girls in sound mind and body.
The lessons you are teaching your girls - you get it, right? What you are teaching them? About what is right and true. About having the courage to be a virtuous person and put love above all else, and provide, nuture, keep safe that love no matter how humbling our actions might need to be? A good mother, good person - you are their how-to manual and it's good.
But.
There does come a time when we need to speak clearly so that the lived lessons are explicit.
When we say - this is crap and here's why. And it doesn't mean that person is crap, or ex-communicated or whatever, but it does mean that we have a set of values and the actions of some people in our lives, people we might like to be able to connect with, those people might fall short and we don't pretend it's not there.
I recently found myself asserting to a table full of new colleagues that I absolutely can condemn the ideology of religions that persecute women because they are female and that I can strongly object to the manifestation of that ideology through things such as burkas - all without condemning the people. And people who don't get that suffer from a stunted intellect - which is not my responsibility.
That felt damn GREAT to say :)
Have a marvelous weekend with your girls - Sue
hook me up lady! I have been thinking more and more, as I trudge through the woods with a screaming back, and wake up every morning in more and more pain, how beautiful it would be to stay home with my kids and just WRITE. It's something that brings so much healing to me. but I have yet to find an outlet. In fact, my mom still insists on reading this blog and I tried to talk to her thursday and got my ass handed to me for the blasphemy and disgrace that I publish. whatever. I told her to quit reading it. I wish I had the energy to feel bad. But actually, I don't. I have had all these big plans to protect my parents when I finally publish a book, but at this rate... well, even the bible agrees, the truth will set me free. gotta run, baseball and kids needing hair fixed and fucking awful cramps to deal with. thanks for the psychological hugs.
ReplyDeletelove ya!
me