new leaves

and turning them over. How is it always so very, very hard? I made my southward break full of optimism and hope, believing beyond anything that I was on the right track. The most ridiculous thing of all is that I still feel that way. With EVERYTHING going against me, and bad luck courting me at every turn, it is truly a wonder that I haven't done something drastic, like start smoking, or drink more, or maybe even curse. But actually, in spite of all of the mayhem and mischief that life throws at me in some manic quest for entertainment, I still believe somehow, someway, it will work out. It has to. Sure my paycheck got lost in the mail just when I was $2000 overdrawn, but you can always open a new bank account somewhere far far away. Sure I went to see my kids a few weeks ago and had no gas money to get home, but my bestie bailed me out and I love her forever. Sure my car is tottering on the brink of repossession and I can't make my very first rent payment on the only chance of a home me and my kids will have this fall, but I got lucky enough to find a sucker of a landlord who has faith in me as a person after only a couple of meetings. (gogogadget personality!) Sure I don't have money for groceries, gas, toilet paper or tampons, but thank god for Ricker's newspaper subscription. Sure my back feels like it's broken and hurts me worse than I ever imagined, but I have become a firm believer and advocate for veterinarian liniment gel. (Thank you Christy B.) Sure my car got impounded for some tickets that I have no idea how I will afford or when I will contest them, but my heckuva guy roommate loaned me the $230 I needed to get it out, even when I was a month behind on my rent.

I've received some flack lately for my negativity, and the downfall of exposing my children to the unstable and insecure life we are faced with. The flack giver(s) are so free and generous with their criticisms, all the while offering no constructive counsel. If you see a Way Out, by all means, show me!!!  I am floundering on a see of yes, instability, and yes, insecurity, but when the father of one's children decides not to support said offspring for two successive years, and the job market is anything but hospitable even with the best of resumes, which I certainly do not have (however entertaining my resume may be), one will do what one must to survive, and to see to the survival of her kids. And she will mess up, big time. And she will eat dirt, repeatedly. But she will get back up, trudge on in pain and humility, and work every minute to be grateful, hopeful, and positive. So please don't read despondent hopelessness into my words, I believe it will work out. It doesn't make the pain-filled process any less pain-filled, and it certainly doesn't put money in the bank, not all the hoping and even praying. I have tried. But the leaves are turning, ever so slowly, and will be new again soon.