on justice

I am fairly certain it doesn't exist. Only in human minds as a lofty ideal which has yet to be realized anywhere tangibly. I think that I don't believe in justice anymore. It's a great thought. I would be nice, but if there was justice in this world, every last one of us would be dead, maimed, or living in serious fear of one of the above. I think justice was an invention of the religious powers that be, or were. Another ridiculous attempt to repress and control through fear and manipulation the minds of the masses.

I do believe in Karma. I have to. If I didn't, there would be no point. I have to hang on to the hope that if I continue doing the best I can, being the absolute best person I know how to be in every moment, that someday that will pay off in goodness for me and my family. It is a driving and compelling thing for me now to consistently make good choices, sacrificial choices, tradeoffs for the future when I put other people before me, and try to do the right and ethical thing at all times. I hope so much that intent holds some payoff. That while good intentions pave the path to hell, a well intended heart can guide actions toward the best at any given moment.

right now each minute of every day feels like a struggle. I struggle as I remember where I have come from, I struggle when I panic about where we are headed. I struggle to let go of the past, trusting that there will be a future. I struggle to see through the very dirty and clouded glass of hope into the future that good things will be there. Just hang on. just hang on. One step. You have to, no choice. Take the next step, and the next. Smile when a happy thought crosses your mind. Get carried away with daydreams. But keep pushing forward. I never expected life to resemble child birth so closely. Getting to the point where I think for certain that I CANNOT do it, but knowing for certain that I HAVE to, there is no choice. No turning back. I can't undo motherhood or 10 years in a cult. I can't reverse the process that I set into motion 15 years ago, regardless of how naive and uniformed and ridiculous I was. No sense bitching about it. Push on. Enjoy the moments. Grab the happiness you can along the way,  don't let go...