I look in the mirror and I see my dad's eyes. They are deepset, moody, analytical and philosophical. I see my mother's mouth. All the potential for the stubborn set jaw and the soft approving smile, and the sweet tempting lips that offer love. But then I see the flaws, the blemishes, the errors and mistakes that I abound in. The asymmetrical right eye that doesn't smile with my left one. The teeth that err on the side of large, the chin that hosts a backup layer for no apparent reason. All flaws I don't see in my parents, flaws that they apparently never had. Mistakes they apparently never made. The sadness I see in my face is something that I would imagine I have seen a shadow of in my dad's expression, but most likely it was a delusional grasp at self redemption. How did such an imperfect and lost soul spring forth from two people who will appear to have it all together at any cost?

I cannot seem to succeed. To follow their footsteps of steady marriage, stable work and normal life. I am a failed attempt at love, life, even some moments survival, it seems, eludes me. More than ever the face in the mirror, the body, the person I am on the outside is so very very far from what I feel inside and who I want to be. How did this happen? Am I growing backwards with time? It certainly feels like it. Maybe my best and only success was 15 years ago married to David, blissfully ignorant of his transgressions against god and nature and me, bearing children as if to redeem my mortal soul. Maybe it is when I veered from that lifestyle that I lost myself, any input I had to where my body and mind and soul would end up. I am in love with the idea of who I am, who I want to be, but it always seems just out of reach...