On balance

My parents would tell you I have none. That my life is spiraling crazily our of control, I am self-destructive and an adversary to the well-being of my children. But it is moments like this present one that help me know, let me continue believing that there is a yin to my yang, an up to my down, a white to my black. No Prozac limping me thru this one. Gave that one up months ago. No drugs at all, in fact. No alcohol for... Well I can't remember how long. And here I am : happy. Ecstatic. Content. Full of unjustified faith and hope. One more shift on a long overdue fire. En route to what will potentially be the most truly epic TAB show of all time. And then Wednesday, I get Halle home. Just in time for her highschool registration event. Then a day off, to get everything else squared away. It's finally coming together. Just when I thought I would fracture into brittle pieces from the stress, things fall into place. Halle and Kiz got transfer approvals into the bend schools. Aspens eyes are clearing up. Nat has school supplies to organize. I have work. Overtime even. For now.

The only obstacle left is the DUI. Three beers and I didn't use my turn signal. Now I am criminal status. I've got it mostly cleared up, preemptively checking off the steps the court will order for a diversion. There remains only the matter of not being able to drive. And the burning brand of the DUI that complements my bankruptcy status and fulfills my parents sordid fantasies of my debauchery. Is it ridiculous that Paris hilton's cocaine related arrest made me feel less miserable, inexplicably? I have learned my lesson, no doubt. No question. Never again will I entertain the notion that I can handle even one beer and drive. I am terrified. Being in jail, even for a few hours, was hands down the worst experience of my life. I would rather be in perpetual maternal labor. But maybe I've forgotten how bad that is. Or maybe the incessant pain I have lived with has hardened me to it.

Speaking of pain - I am in daily shock at how much healthier I feel. Like a new person. My back hurts like it always has, but the overpowering sense of being unwell, with no end or relief in sight, is gone. I can't believe it when a day goes by and I forgot to take pain killers. Because I didn't need to. This is ecstasy. Sometimes i almost appreciate, and bask in the burning in my back, it's like a reminder that nowhere else hurts. Everything else feels good, and alive. Silly as it sounds, I feel radiant.

People (mostly guts that I know) tell me I am grouchy. I think I am not the frivolous flirt they have known, and it puzzles them. I am preoccupied with survival. I can't look to those boys for the temporal rush that entertaining them has provided in the past. It males me sad, all of it. Those boys. My aloneness. So I have closed off that part of myself for now. Becoming a crabby old spinster. Until my time comes. And the boy who can provide a sustained smile for my heart.

Now I should focus on my driving.

Sent from my iPhone