6.28.09
hello from China! I am now in Su Zhou with internet and lots of time while bickley is at work, most of which I will use for sleeping to compensate for the 374 miles we covered in Shanghai and Beijing over
the last few days. We power packed the Olympic Village, Roasted Peking Duck, Great Wall of China, The Summer Palace, Dr. T's Traditional
teahouse, The Beijing Zoo, Tienamen Square, The Forbidden City and the
Temple of Heaven all into less than 48 hours. Quite impressive, and we really didn't skimp on anything. Ok, maybe after covering a couple miles of the Temple of Heaven we tried to bail early, but since we
bought the cheap tickets it took us about an hour and a half to find a gate that we could get out of, which was ALWAYS proceeded by another
gate (gate of perpetual peace, gate of long and healthy life, gate of continual abstinence, gate of important honor, etc, etc, etc.) until we finally burst through the outer limits and found ourselves in Mongolia. Luckily we found a cab driver who spoke no english and tried
to charge us 6 times what the meter said and got back in before they shot us.
The Wall was awesome, we had planned on taking a car to a more remote spot and doing a 10 KM (roughly 6 mile) hike along the wall, but the hotel we stayed at (The Intercontinental Financial Street [highly
recommend] offered a few different tours, and obviously, since we are independently wealthy, we took the private limo from the hotel with
our very own personal guide, Ms. Lee, and driver Mr. Peace, and went to a spot where less than a mile on the wall nearly killed Bickley. I, of course was totally fine, you know how I am in peak physical condition. Actually we both agreed the 6 miles would have been a huge
regret at about mile .75. Plus, our tour included riding plastic
toboggans down a metal chute that had to have been at least 4 miles. It would have been really fun except the chinese lady in front of us was afraid to go too fast so we ended up scooting ourselves over the flatter sections to try to pick up momentum after she would come to a screeching halt before every corner. We finally stopped and had a tai chi session and a nap and let her get to the bottom so we could scream the rest of the way down at a raucous 25 miles an hour. It was super fun then. At the bottom there were guys all dressed up in red bathrobes with big tinfoil weapons that were threatening to cut off my
head, so Bickley took my picture, then we had to run away really fast because apparently they wanted money for new tinfoil. What a scam. I
was going to just beat them up for threatening my life but Bickley talked me down so we let them just shake their fists at us and say things in Chinese that we pretended not to understand. Speaking of
which, I have figured out the best way to get a beggar or salesperson to leave me alone to to answer their semi english query in Russian, it always leaves them puzzling and they forget to follow me. Bickley
thinks I am dorky but I don't have "english professors" from the university of collective femoral biotechnological chemistry tailing me into the subway because I said no in english. The chinese people like to use as many english words as possible to name or describe something. The hotel we stayed at in Shanghai was nice enough to leave us "friendship prompt" cards that told us how to do everything from open a window to use the toilet or open a bottle of water. They were very helpful. We have since been sure to give each other friendship prompts for every activity we undertake. It seems to be the polite
thing to do. We visited the famous TV tower thing in Shanghai but had to leave right away because Asia's highest revolving restaurant at the
top had closed already (well it was 730 after all) and the big
information board at the gate informed us that "ragamuffin drunks and psychotics were not allowed in the attraction." We thought since we were completely sober that we would have been fine but the psychotic factor just ruined our night. Actually we went to the top observation deck where we observed the chinese and their penchant for dressing alike and wearing things that would be considered kitchen utensils in
other cultures. They have this great fad of wearing nylons that are cut off at the ankle, but not like leggings, the other way, so it's just the foot. I am obviously wearing them every day, and am bringing back some for Em and Sanna so we can spread the trend in the US. Like
a disease. A slow, miserable disease, worse than H1N1.
Speaking of which, I almost got quarantined coming in when the junior high group in seats all around me had to have their temperature read like 6 times because four chinese people in hazmat suits with 3 different thermometers were having a hard time deciding if they made
the basal temp cut off. I think the real problem was that all of their bio-suit face masks had fogged up because the plane was 780 degrees from sitting on the tarmac for an hour and a half with no AC, and they couldn't actually SEE the thermometers.
Anyway, there's much more to tell. I gotta run... Later.
the last few days. We power packed the Olympic Village, Roasted Peking Duck, Great Wall of China, The Summer Palace, Dr. T's Traditional
teahouse, The Beijing Zoo, Tienamen Square, The Forbidden City and the
Temple of Heaven all into less than 48 hours. Quite impressive, and we really didn't skimp on anything. Ok, maybe after covering a couple miles of the Temple of Heaven we tried to bail early, but since we
bought the cheap tickets it took us about an hour and a half to find a gate that we could get out of, which was ALWAYS proceeded by another
gate (gate of perpetual peace, gate of long and healthy life, gate of continual abstinence, gate of important honor, etc, etc, etc.) until we finally burst through the outer limits and found ourselves in Mongolia. Luckily we found a cab driver who spoke no english and tried
to charge us 6 times what the meter said and got back in before they shot us.
The Wall was awesome, we had planned on taking a car to a more remote spot and doing a 10 KM (roughly 6 mile) hike along the wall, but the hotel we stayed at (The Intercontinental Financial Street [highly
recommend] offered a few different tours, and obviously, since we are independently wealthy, we took the private limo from the hotel with
our very own personal guide, Ms. Lee, and driver Mr. Peace, and went to a spot where less than a mile on the wall nearly killed Bickley. I, of course was totally fine, you know how I am in peak physical condition. Actually we both agreed the 6 miles would have been a huge
regret at about mile .75. Plus, our tour included riding plastic
toboggans down a metal chute that had to have been at least 4 miles. It would have been really fun except the chinese lady in front of us was afraid to go too fast so we ended up scooting ourselves over the flatter sections to try to pick up momentum after she would come to a screeching halt before every corner. We finally stopped and had a tai chi session and a nap and let her get to the bottom so we could scream the rest of the way down at a raucous 25 miles an hour. It was super fun then. At the bottom there were guys all dressed up in red bathrobes with big tinfoil weapons that were threatening to cut off my
head, so Bickley took my picture, then we had to run away really fast because apparently they wanted money for new tinfoil. What a scam. I
was going to just beat them up for threatening my life but Bickley talked me down so we let them just shake their fists at us and say things in Chinese that we pretended not to understand. Speaking of
which, I have figured out the best way to get a beggar or salesperson to leave me alone to to answer their semi english query in Russian, it always leaves them puzzling and they forget to follow me. Bickley
thinks I am dorky but I don't have "english professors" from the university of collective femoral biotechnological chemistry tailing me into the subway because I said no in english. The chinese people like to use as many english words as possible to name or describe something. The hotel we stayed at in Shanghai was nice enough to leave us "friendship prompt" cards that told us how to do everything from open a window to use the toilet or open a bottle of water. They were very helpful. We have since been sure to give each other friendship prompts for every activity we undertake. It seems to be the polite
thing to do. We visited the famous TV tower thing in Shanghai but had to leave right away because Asia's highest revolving restaurant at the
top had closed already (well it was 730 after all) and the big
information board at the gate informed us that "ragamuffin drunks and psychotics were not allowed in the attraction." We thought since we were completely sober that we would have been fine but the psychotic factor just ruined our night. Actually we went to the top observation deck where we observed the chinese and their penchant for dressing alike and wearing things that would be considered kitchen utensils in
other cultures. They have this great fad of wearing nylons that are cut off at the ankle, but not like leggings, the other way, so it's just the foot. I am obviously wearing them every day, and am bringing back some for Em and Sanna so we can spread the trend in the US. Like
a disease. A slow, miserable disease, worse than H1N1.
Speaking of which, I almost got quarantined coming in when the junior high group in seats all around me had to have their temperature read like 6 times because four chinese people in hazmat suits with 3 different thermometers were having a hard time deciding if they made
the basal temp cut off. I think the real problem was that all of their bio-suit face masks had fogged up because the plane was 780 degrees from sitting on the tarmac for an hour and a half with no AC, and they couldn't actually SEE the thermometers.
Anyway, there's much more to tell. I gotta run... Later.
author's footnote: Bickley is the biggest jerk on the face of the earth, and while China is a beautiful, amazing place and I am thankful to have seen it, my experience there was overshadowed by a selfish and dishonest person who violated my trust more than I have ever experienced. While I was there he carefully monitored everything I wrote and these letters were subject to his approval. Lest my readers be confused... Someday I will tell the real story...
ReplyDelete