31 year old suburban life with 4 kids and a dog

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Date: 2009-04-09, 9:35AM PDT
Reply to: gigs-mqzjc-1114514803@craigslist.org ^{[Errors when replying to ads?]}

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Up for grabs today is an in-full-swing life of 31 years with all of the modern amenities that I simply cannot afford anymore. This setup includes four cute, smart, well rounded and expensive daughters, a ridiculously useless hound dog, WAY too many frivolous material possessions including an entire wardrobe of size 8ish designer women's clothing, Macbook laptop loaded with digital memories and worthless downloads, 2001 Chevy Tahoe with a million miles and several juice stains on it, full playdough accessories and equipment and 27 lbs of misc. legos, 324 my little ponies, no less than 7 gallons of polly pockets and a broken PS2 with three games. I am also throwing in about 10 years worth of food and every cartoon DVD known to modern civilization. This life comes completely free of romantic entanglements, with a VERY small selection of oddly assorted friends and a gigantic quirky extended family. I will add on my useless AA in liberal arts if you think you can do something with it, but seeing as how I have been unemployed since December, good luck. Unfortunately, this life does NOT include a place to live, unless you want to negotiate a contract with my parents, since that is where I had planned to move as soon as the eviction papers are filed. I will give you my dad's cartop carrier since I still have it and maybe he won't notice, and that should hold a lot of it. Maybe like .004 %. Or less. Whether you choose to take the 9 year olds collection of scrap paper and junk mail that fills an entire half of a bedroom is up to you, and I will recommend some sort of fashion retraining for the 5 year old who has a strong leaning towards awkwardly mixed, brightly colored prints, and anger management for the 11 year old has a tendency to kick holes in doors and throw tantrums, but we have great faith she will grow out of it in 29 years or so. The 12 year old offers wonderful opportunities for community involvement such as large financial donations to oil companies to cover her transport to and from every sporting event in a tri county radius, as well as connecting with local hormone tolerance support groups as her mentor and chief victim. The dog requires the most expensive food on the market unless you are amenable to wallpaper-curling flatulence. I would offer to send along the child support for the kids but I really hate to make vain promises and can't tell you for sure when or if that will ever come in. I will however, give you all of my extensive fire and EMS training which, judging by expense put in, must be worth a lot, and you get the added bonus of being able to use said skills to donate all of your spare time for the good of the community, saving lives and all that jazz. There is a clothes dryer, but the washer just bit the dust so you're out of luck there and I would throw in the dishwasher but I am fairly certain the landlord would notice that after the door with the hole makes him take inventory of the house. Also includes one mostly destroyed couch and a futon that my ex fiancee left me with only one duct tape repair, one oversized leather armchair with the 5 year olds name scratched permanently into the seat, one elliptical machine that was used only as a catapult for cross room flingings of the five year old, two sets of bunkbeds and 18 dressers. Ultimately it's a good life, and a heck of a deal for somebody who is bored, ridiculously rich, or slightly masochistic.