4.14.09

4.14.09

another night

Tonight I didn't drop my books in a lake of rain water in my driveway. Tonight I left them in the car. Tonight I came home to a quiet house, where only the gentlest telltale ambiguous thump lets me know that my kids are in fact, upstairs and alive, and more than likely, still awake. But it is ten oclock. Es el diez de la noche, to be espanolishily correct about it, and I have just returned from a fun filled evening of learning that water lives in reservoirs, lakes, streams, and big city systems, and that is where we get it to fight fires. Rocket science. But we got to put our turn outs on and play with a hydrant. Well, one real hydrant and one fake one sitting on the ground being pathetic as we wrenched away at it's various orifices. Even though I sit in class next to a guy that makes my knees turn to butter fresh out of the overclocked microwave, questioning my self worth and why in God's name I decided to cut bangs, doubting every choice and action and inclination in my life up to this moment and beyond, I know that I like firefighting. I like hoses, and couplings and nozzles and pumps. I like wildland even more, the smell of chainsaws and smoke that saturates everything. I love it. I stuck my head in the tool compartment of the brush truck while the fire girl with the pink nomex hood was telling at the other students how hard it was to find pink biners and a pink helmet, and the euphoria washed over me like when you slam a bottle of beer and it hits your hips first. That warm, melting feeling. It's like how the guy next to me makes me feel but full body instead of just a knee to torso region effect. I feel lucky to be there. I want so badly to succeed and be a contributing member to the effort. I want to not be the dead weight they're dragging around the drill ground. Just like everywhere else in life. I want to be somebody. Somebody that somebody else needs, wants around. Somebody that makes everybody else's life better in some way. It would be an added bonus if I could figure out how to make a living doing that. You would think the years I spent in the cult with a husband of questionable bent, and giving birth to four daughters whilst getting an AA and working and becoming a firefighter and an EMT and basically spreading myself so thin that most everybody could see right through me would pay off at some point some how. Don't I have a story worth hearing? I mean my honeymoon alone would be a kickass movie.

Maybe tomorrow... which is coming much faster than I would care to think about.