I can.

I mean, there's only so much you can do, right? then you have to kinda throw your hands in the air and step back. It's like surrendering to the will of the universe, or god, or whathaveyou. I guess I am there. I am so happy, and so thankful to be here. I am working intently on focusing only on the good things, the good reasons in my life, which probably seems somehow irresponsible or stupid. but I am working -  I am even looking for more work on the weekends. I am praying (don't tell anyone). I am sorting out in my head and on paper how in the hell I will get out of this mire of quicksand I got myself into. I am not being passive, but at the same time, I have hit the end of my human rope. So, throw it out there to the cosmos and wait for the fallout. And hope and pray it isn't life threatening to anyone. I came to terms with the fact that if my storage unit payment gets returned and worst case scenario I get locked out and somehow ultimately and permanently lose all of our earthly possessions - they really are just THINGS, and somehow, we would recover. Granted we would never find another Dr Suess love seat, but still, it's just THINGS. Somehow we won't be homeless. Even if, worst case scenario, all the girls have to share my room here at Ricker's (god forbid he read this), for a month or so til I can scrape together first and last and actually get approved for a rental, we would all live. We've done it before. so i won't get down. not the rain, or the red, or the tummy aches from hell will convince me that I made the wrong choice. It WILL work out. Somehow, sometime.

In the meantime, I can't wait to see my kids again. I wish I had the money for a house now and could whisk them down here. sigh. so many things I want to show them, and do with them. I spent all day reading about the ancient history and geology of the area here. Gee whilikers! how awesome is this place? Totally awesome. Can't wait to go spelunking with the girls, and check out the high desert museum, and kids eat free on sundays at cascade lakes brewing... all good things.

For now, I need to go make a budget for the money that seems so imaginary and far away. A budget that will nudge me gently when dutch brothers calls to me from across the street. A budget that will help me remember why rice and beans are one of my favorite meals. I can make this happen. I can.  I can.